I’m BACK! Well sort of. It’s me, but not me. You mothers out there can relate. Oh and did I EVER underestimate motherhood. I simply had no idea and I mean NONE. Before having the girls I felt clueless, which I still feel that way sometimes, but at least now I have a better understanding. However, I had no clue on what really was to come. I feel like I asked all the wrong questions. I was asking about bottles, strollers and sleep schedules. It never occurred to me to ask how will I adjust. How will I balance being a mom, with being a business owner, with being a wife, with being a fitness lover, with being selfish with my time? How? The question still remains unanswered. My mind is so cluttered and sleep deprived I can’t even think or be creative. How can I feel so unlike myself, yet know that this is what I was put on this earth to be. Dylan and Scarlett’s mother.
Obsession is an understatement. My heart literally explodes EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I never knew this love really existed. Everyone can tell you, but you have to experience it to understand it. I can’t imagine it gets better, but that’s the word on the streets. We have so much more to experience. Seeing John with them is truly the best thing I’ve ever seen. As if I could love that man more then he goes and loves on them and my heart explodes. AGAIN. I’m an emotional wreck. I literally drive myself crazy. Are they breathing, are they eating enough, is their poop normal color (don’t judge you’ll do the same thing), are they breathing?
One night the sound machine night light was shining on Dylan’s face just right and her face looked blue. BLUE! My heart stopped. I scooped her up so fast and yelled “DYLAN!” She then sighed so sweetly that I gently put her back down with a new emotion. “Please don’t wake up. Please don’t wake up.” You’ll drive yourself crazy. Last night her head was going back and forth and saliva was coming out of her mouth with bubbles that I swear she was having a seizure. I jumped out of bed so fast you would have thought I was interviewing for the Matrix. Then I held her for so long while searching google. Yeah google has become my best friend. Forget social media. Google is where it’s at. I NEVER and I mean NEVER research things the way I do now. Even when I had cancer I never googled anything because you know the damn internet will have you dead 57 ways. I can do that all on my own without having “proof” of my fatal end. But now, geez, Scarlett farted, let me google it. Ha!
I honestly don’t know how mothers did it before google or how mothers of older children have survived. When do you sleep? And I don’t mean because your kids were waking up to feed. I mean how do you sleep not worrying all the time. I’m surprised that not every mother has black circles under their eyes from sleep deprivation. How did my mother let me spend the night off, drive a car, or even go to school? How? Good lord.
This journey had been the most amazing, wild, exhausting, rewarding, interesting one I’ve ever been on. Thank God for a good support system and a little bit of humor! Keep checking the blog for more on this crazy adventure.